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a thought from my restless mind

Warn you that this post is a bit unusual. Just like me recently who somehow have been slightly out of characters.┬áSo you’d better ignore it. Or read it and then forget it as it’s just a random thought from my restless mind.

If there’s one thing i could be proud of myself, it would be my ability to control myself. To have emotional stability. To keep impulsiveness at bay. To have awareness that there is a purpose why my head and brain are placed above the rest. That is why my husband is lucky enough to never deal with PMS-possessed wife.

But lately, i think i’m losing it. I feel like something inside me trying to break free. Despite of having a wonderful life with no mishaps and whatsoever, i sometimes found myself feel sad and disappointed. To nothing. Yeah i know i am lying to myself when i said nothing, because although i don’t know what it is, i know there’s something.

A certain thought told me what caused all the anguish i am feeling. A part of me wanted to deny it because it made me look shallow. Good God, i beg your mercy!

This kind of life i am living now, is so far exceeding what i thought it would be. Life is good. I get what i want. I get what i need and what i thought i didn’t need. Of course not in 10 of 10. But all in all, it seems almost perfect.

But,

A few things, a very few things that i never thought i wouldn’t get, apparently become things that are near to impossible for me to get. A very basic things. I’ve always thought i could deal with it. Man, was i wrong! I suspected that i am being punished for my sin in my past life. Geeez!

It’s funny that sometimes i got frustrated with certain good means that i possess. I dislike myself for being so obedient, so accepting. I’ve always been proud that i am far from being a drama queen, but i realise that sometime you need to be one. A crazy one that dares to confront others. I hate it when i really yearn to something but i couldn’t achieve it by my ownself. I hate it when i helplessly need someone but the certain someone has not even tried to make effort.

My life is good. But now i feel wanting it to be more than good. I need it to be better, if not best. Is it wrong if once in a while i am being greedy?

Sigh.

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