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Almost Blind, by NAK

Almost half a year ago, I saved this note written by Nouman Ali Khan on his Facebook wall. I can’t remember the exact time, it’s either during Ramadan or slightly before.

When I read it the first time, .. I cried. I thought, wow, it was such an honest piece of writing. A note he was writing in the middle of his errands with a couple of typos here and there, yet the content was nothing but profound.

I cried because I so could relate to each line that he wrote. I cried because NAK, once again, managed to eloquently narrate a story to show us how great the mercy of Allah was. And having copied and pasted the note here just now I can’t help but reading it again, and shedding tears again. – what a cry baby

This note basically tells us no matter how lost you are right now, as long as you’re still breathing, you still have a hope to find a way and start over. The mercy of Allah’s is much greater than all sins human can do. Repent and be a better person to God. However, no one could help but yourself. When someone was drowning too deep into the ocean, when someone was too lost in the illusion of this world, the closest from you is not hands of others, it’s your own.

Wa wa jadaka daal lan fahadaa

And He found you lost and guided [you]

One of my favourite verses of the Qur’an is verse 7 of chapter Ad Dhuha. The chapter, the surah itself is one of the most emotional ones, sent down to the prophet Muhammad when he was in deep sadness and in a verge of depression. God had not given a single word of revelation to him in six months. The angel Jibril/ Gabriel did not visit him at all. He felt left behind. He thought God had changed His mind and didn’t want him to be the prophet again. He felt insecure.

I had never given extra attention to this surah before. I memorised it, once upon a time 🙂 , but it’s one of many that had been fading away from my memory during my dark time – around 25 years abandoning Qur’an. I’m now in the process of memorising it again. And having learnt the meaning of the surah months ago, I can’t help but feeling melancholy. It’s sad in the beginning and encouraging at the end. I’ll write something about it in the future. On my previous posts, I have mentioned the reasons why I have changed, along with what I have done in the process. With Ad Dhuha as reference, I want to elaborate more on how this all has changed me as a person/individual, as a wife, as a daughter, as a friend, and as a creation.

But for now, let me leave you with this note written by ustadz Nouman Ali Khan. – except what typed with blue color, all is his words, unedited and uncensored. 

 

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Almost Blind…

Allah mentions in His book that it isn’t only eyes but also hearts that can become blind. Furthering that notion in the 24th surah, He gives the example of someone drowning at sea during a thunderstorm with a giant wave that has slammed over him (or her…) and before he could make his way to the top another comes and pushes him even deeper down to the bottom of the ruthless sea. You’d think by the time you get to this part of the divine painting, you’d be learning of being out of breath or terrified. But no, the depiction is
???? ???? ??? ?? ??? ????? — it’s supposed to be the said ayah, but my keyboard doesn’t have arabic. 
“When he take his hand out, he almost doesn’t even see it!”

The deeper down he goes the darker it gets. The greatest horror in Allah’s divine parable is an almost inability to even see your own hand right in front of you. Of all our limbs, the hand is commonly used in the Quran to describe our actions in life.

I was talking to someone recently about their “bad days”, the days before they repented and changed course in life. They told me that even at the worst times, sneaking out of the house, making the way to the night club, right before walking into it, they’d turn to God and say, “I’m sorry I’m about to do this, please don’t let me die here”.

That moved me so deeply. There are people that can be so far from being good, seeped in sin, so many doses of drugs, illicit relationships, filthy environments and all manner of terrible choices later, through all of those crushing waves of darkness that have slammed them deeper and deeper into the merciless ocean of sin, where they are surround only by devices of their own destruction, where every time they even try to come up for air a new set of temptations and forces drag them back down ensuring they will be in so much darkness that they’ll stop thinking about what they’re doing and just do it, through all of that, they can still barely make out their hand and still aren’t completely blind. Some voice inside them still says you need to get out of this. Some part of them can see right past all the make up, all the loud noise, all the animal stares, all the fake smiles, all the mind numbing thumping of music telling you to “throw your hands up in the air and wave ’em like you just don’t care”, and yet they still care. As weak as it may have become, their vision still works.

Vision is a function of light. In easy English, without light you can’t see. It doesn’t matter how far the party road you’ve traveled. It doesn’t matter how much darkness you’ve surrounded yourself in. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve told yourself I’m in too deep. I’m as good as drowned, a lost cause. None of that matters. The fact that something inside you can still see the wrong in what you do means there is light somewhere. But where? Where did this light come from and why is this flimsy candle not put out by the drowning sea?

The same parable that describes this depth of darkness will teach you that there’s a light inside you. You keep looking for a good influence on the outside thinking if only someone good would come along and change your life and bring it light, you’d become a good person too. You don’t realize that good person is you. A prisoner deep inside your own self, whose light you’ve been suffocating. You are the greatest oppressor to your own enlightened soul deep in your heart. This starving prisoner should have died by now but Allah is keeping it alive. He ends the ayah,
???? ?? ???? ???? ?? ???? ??? ?? ?? ???. – supposed to be arabic. 
“Then anyone for whom Allah wouldn’t have furnished light, they wouldn’t possibly have any light at all!”

That light inside you is Allah’s biggest gift to you. You’ve been ignoring it because swimming against giant waves isn’t easy. It’s painful, requires you to exhaust yourself and the alternative is so so much easier. Just drown. Just throw your hands up and stop caring. But if you have the strength of will left, He will never abandon you. His rope is always there to pull you up. He’ll also describe it like the anchor of a ship whose giant links in the chain can’t be broken. You will make your way up and when no one around you is a source of light, He will be from within you. The fact that you can still see your hand, albeit barely, is proof that He hasn’t given up on you. It’s on you now. Happy swimming!

Sorry for this unedited babble. Gotta go now I’m hungry.
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